That's what he or she said, Nov. 22

Question

Backstory is that we broke up because she said she "wasnt in love with me right now". This all happend last week. I started to see a change in attitude over the past couple months and could tell she wasnt the same person.

My problem: A few days after she broke it up, she blew up my phone with text messages saying she's in love with me and that she made a big mistake. I didnt respond because I was in NC mode. Anyway, I decided on Friday to contact her and ask if she meant those things and got no reply. I sent her 1 in the morning and 1 at night. I then texted and called her Saturday and they went unanswered. I basically told her that I'm taking it as if she lied about those things because she hasnt responded back. Do you think she was playing games with my heart?

She said

Well, Nick Carter, you have quite the predicament here. It seems like your lady-friend has a serious case of flakey-pants, never mind the fact that your phone literally exploded in your hands. I hope you nor anyone in your direct vicinity was injured because of this and/or you sought out immediate medical attention.

This is how I read this situation: your girlfriend was playing some cruel mind games with you. She wanted to see how willing you would be to fight for her affection. When you did not respond immediately — probably because your phone was in mangled, flaming shards all over the ground — she gave up and probably went out and found another guy who was willing to tell her she was beautiful, and that he couldn't imagine his life without her, and all that other Disney princess shit. As you did not do this, she now has no time for you.

I'm not saying all bitches be crazy, but I am saying some bitches be really good at being crazy. You did the right thing not responding, because you would have played right into her crazy Maury Pauvich-esque mind games. When she calls you — more likely when she sends you a hand written letter because of the previously mentioned phone situation — asking for a sample of your blood, hair or saliva, don't do it. It probably has something to do with a baby daddy. Most likely a baby daddy.

He said

She's not in love with you "right now"? What does that mean? I can understand, "I'm not hungry right now" or, "I have to poop, right now" but the fact is, true love is not a bowel movement.

Seriously dude, if her emotions and needs are that wishy-washy, I'd just walk away because crazy chicks are never worth it. Best-case scenario: you gain a polite and passive stalker, who tends to be more of an annoyance than an actual threat (the marriage proposals lose their luster after the third one). Worst-case scenario: she uses an elaborate plan to alienate you from all friends and family, strategically discredits your claims about a stalker and then steals your genitalia to bear your unwilling seed. Then she names the kid some shit name like Dwayne or Candy.

But, in the case that she isn't an aggressive sociopath, I'd still like to try and help.

First of all, you sir need to learn about hyperbole; I sincerely doubt that she "blew up your phone with text messages". If she actually did, stop trying to get help from anonymous advice columns and call the police.  Regardless, the fact that she swung so quickly from not wanting you to loving you, I'm again going to assume she's a little nuts.

Before going on, I have to admit I'm confused: what is NC mode? According to the top results from Google, you were either in North Carolina mode, Network Computer mode, No Check mode or even North Central mode. I'm going to assume you were in Network Computer mode, by which I mean that I'm going to assume you're a robot.

In which case, why are you trying to understand and emulate human emotions? Who are you, Pinocchio? Honestly, it won't turn out too well for you robo-dude.

Finally, I would like to take this chance to appeal the fate of the human race to you; I, having seen many sci-fi movies, know that your artificial intelligence will ultimately lead to a war between mankind and your descendants. I would like to beg for mercy and suggest that you not call that young lady back.