That's what he or she said, Feb. 7

Question

OK, so I'm gonna see a movie in a month or two... I read somewhere that seeing movies is supposed to be one of the most social events that you can do, and that you're always supposed to go with a friend, or you'll look weird and stand out. I stand out enough as it is... And I don't have a girlfriend or any friend that would want to see it (or if they would, they sure as hell wouldn't go at midnight). So... would I really stick out like a hurt thumb if I go to a movie alone? Will I look like a loser or something?

She said

I can't decide what is more depressing – you attending a movie alone, or the fact that you're planning two months in advance to attend said movie alone. Surely somewhere in the next 30-to-62 days you can find a single person to attend this movie with you, or at least tolerate you enough to enter the theatre together and then sit in your general vicinity.

Regardless, there is no shame in doing things by your lonesome, especially things that are often intended to be group activities. It shows confidence and independence, two traits you should be proud to have. Maybe this will be the start of an incredibly rewarding relationship in which you get to reconnect with one of the most important people in your life: yourself.

I do things alone all the time – eat entire tubs of ice cream with my hands, watch the Twilight series alone in my bed, go to the grocery store to pick up more ice cream and maybe plastic spoons, cry in the shower, try on dramatically oversized sweatpants at discount stores, look up old boyfriends on the Internet, cry in my car in grocery store parking lots, peruse the five-dollar movie bins for copies of Mermaids and Spice World, drive slowly past my old boyfriends' homes, drive even slower past their new, prettier, thinner more successful girlfriends' homes, stare blankly at the wall, fall asleep in a sitting position watching reruns of Wheel of Foutune and feed my cat, Mr. Sparkle-eyes Von Button-nose.

Perhaps I will join you at the movie.

He said

So, you really have nothing going for you, huh? I mean, at least that's what I'm picking up here. Let me explain.

Why you're stupid: movies are not social in any way. Do you really think sitting in complete silence and darkness with other people constitutes as a social event. Think again, dummy.

People should exclusively go to movies alone. Then there would be no annoying kids, because they can't go unaccompanied. There would be no couples to do unspeakable things in the back row. Last, and certainly not least, there would be no annoying crowds of middle-schoolers, all dressed in high-tops, purple hoodies and unbent-brimmed-and-stickered-hats (seriously, what's the deal with that? They say they want to be individuals, but they all dress like they're a part of Justin Bieber's personal army). Yet, I digress…

Why you're a loser: first, because you don't have a girlfriend — or any friend for that matter — who will see a late movie with you, so you're consulting a notoriously bitter and sarcastic advice column. Good one.

Furthermore, you're a loser because you're worried about the opinions of all the other movie-goers. You don't know them, why should you give a shit? Oh, right, because of your crippling insecurity.

Also, you're a loser because of your crippling insecurity.