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Horror-scopes, Feb. 7
Aries: March 21–Apr. 19 Even though it won't look like one, and you will dismiss it as otherwise, the hair you find on your pizza this week will most definitely be a pube. Taurus: Apr. 20–May 20 This week, during a conversation in which you are half-listening to your significant other, you will choose a generic response that will have devastatingly embarrassing repercussions in the bed room.
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Horror-scopes, Nov. 1
Aries: March 21–Apr. 19 No one will appreciate your pageantry this week, Aries. Not even the glitter cannon. Taurus: Apr. 20–May 20 This week you should focus on stepping up your game in the bedroom. Your roommates have noticed a serious increase of batteries and Vaseline in the garbage.

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