Fornicate, Panda, Fornicate!

Pandas are dying! For some reason, tightass pandas aren't having premarital sex. Since they're not having sex, they're not having babies, and therefore all pandas are becoming extinct. Skirting natural selection, and because I have a huge soft spot for pandas, I've come up with a list of 101 things ways to make pandas mate with each other.1. Ask them politely

2. Ask them more politely

3. Peer pressure from grizzlies, koalas and polar bears

4. Panda brothels - make it legal

5. Give them an ounce of marijuana and nothing better to do

6. A good shave, 'cause no one actually likes a fuzzy lover

7. Have a dance like people did in high school

8. Zookeepers in tighter clothing

9. Take away their precious bamboo until they do it

10. Get 'em online finding better mates with better haircuts

11. Put fancy ideas in their head about the pretty wife character from that awful sitcom, Yes, Dear

12. Start publishing CosmoPanda

13. Or Playpanda

14. Better yet, Pandas With Dicks

15. Panda Al Green

16. Panda Otis Redding

17. Panda Marvin Gaye

18. Panda Bon Jovi

19. Tom Waits

20. Dress one of them in crushed velvet, and soon all the pandas will wanna wear it, and lots of sex will be soon to follow

21. Physically place them on each other, and shake them

22. Belittle and berate them until they give in

23. Send boy pandas on picnics with girl pandas, because picnics are sexy

24. Exhume Marilyn Monroe, put her in a panda costume, give her a plastic container

25. Put them on ElimiDate

26. Consult the President of the United States of America, he should know

27. Get some of them to slim down, because I mean, really

28. Demonstrate how to do it in front of them

29. Somehow appeal to their inner-panda

30. Invent some elaborate machine that aids them in doin' it

31. Tell them how good it feels

32. Create a highly-sexualized culture, let it marinate for decades, and then everything should fall right into place

33. Give one of the pandas a really subtle Parisian accent

34. Use the phrase "wussy-ass Panda virgin" in a derogatory manner

35. Vegas!

36. Take them all to the movies, buy them all dinner

37. Hypnosis

38. Have a Miss USA pageant, but for pandas, even though I doubt this will help

39. Encourage more bearhugging, which should lead to bearfucking

40. Introduce chocolate-covered bamboo for pandas, then take it away, and female pandas will be left with an impossible-to-satisfy hunger for lovin'

41. Wave money at them (it works for me, not sure about pandas)

42. Have somebody start reading from an anatomy textbook (again, this works for me but not sure about pandas)

43. J„germeister

44. Tease their hair

45. Make the female pandas hold a car wash, and have the male pandas drive their cars to the car wash and have them watch while the females wash their cars all sexy-like

46. Panda Summer Camp

47. Have Patrick Swayze prance around wearing some kind of dance outfit

48. Make back seats of cars big enough for two chunky pandas to make love in

49. Panda boob jobs

50. Doll some of them up in knee-high sport socks, smeared make up and boy shorts

51. Get them naked on a boat somewhere tropical

52. Get hundreds of pandas hundreds of Phil Collins tapes and hundreds of boomboxes

53. Electric shock therapy

54. Put pandas in the back of a VW van, drive along the coast, park at the beach

55. Make pandas go to church, teach them that sex is a sin, and then make them sign a pledge of chastity

56. Take them to the pandashop, let them lick the bamboopop

57. Get them started with stuffed pandas

58. Interbreed them with koalas (OMG! Cute!)

59. Get them out of China, because China already has weird ideas about sex and stuff

60. Panda Sutra

61. Lock them in a room with Courtney Love and Charlie Sheen

62. Find Sting and hand him some kind of weird, European musical instrument to delicately strum

63. Two lady pandas, one guy panda

64. Better yet, two girl pandas, one guy panda

65. Drive up in an Escalade, get their juices flowin'

66. Tell them that all the cool pandas are doin' it

67. Panda porn

68. Hardcore panda porn

69. Strangely interesting kinky panda porn

70. Human porn, but for pandas!

71. Lotion! Lots of lotion!

72. Bill Clinton, Panda Sex Therapist

73. A large, intricate plan involving teaching pandas how to play poker, but not very well, and then hiring world class poker players to dress in panda costumes and use alcohol to convince them to play the game in a sexual manner, and then hoping it all works out properly

74. Invent a spin-off of a popular and suggestive game: 'Spin the Bamboo'

75. Stop babying them! They're freakin' bears, fer chrissakes!

76. "Speak" to them with chemicals

77. Monochrome Geishas

78. Put them in silly hats, because for some reason that leads to acting like retards, which leads to risky business

79. Bamboo shooters

80. Show them how awesome rabbits are at fornicating, make them jealous

81. Get buxom co-eds to start reciting racy poetry

82. Get them shampooed, 'cause that hair looks all mangey

83. Start some kind of points or gold star system to reward vigorous sexual activity

84. If they don't start meeting some girls, they have to move out of the basement

85. Give the females belly button rings and lower back sluttoos

86. Give the dudes killer tribal arm band tats

87. Panda rave: lazers, ecstacy, glow sticks, and heavy bass

88. Send all the gay pandas to Gay Panda Rehabilitation Camp

89. Have every panda on a game show where a whole bunch of them win the grand prize, which is panda sex, and then they will feel as if it is something they really want to do