Piranha 3-D: Do deadly fish make for a deadly movie?

The Piranha movie series will be swimming into 3-D this summer, and I really hate myself for being intrigued.
If you haven't yet seen the trailer, you can do so by pulling it up on YouTube.
Congratulations, you've just officially seen the whole movie.
I mean, can we really be expected to believe that the plot holds any more substance than what is offered in that two-minute clip? My ESP tells me no. A quick look at the other Piranha movies is likely all the verification necessary.
Hollywood was first introduced to these killer fish in 1978 by director Joe Dante (Gremlins) with his low-budget motion picture Piranha. The movie opens with a pair of absent-minded teenagers who decide that it would be a wonderful idea to go skinny-dipping in the swimming pool of an abandoned military installation.
From there, the fun only grows.
Our determined protagonist Maggie (Heather Menzies) accidentally releases the flesh-eating fish into the river, and we then learn that these aquatic monsters are actually genetically-engineered mutants of a military project, aptly named 'Operation: Razorteeth'.
Blood and cheap thrills ensue, and one leaves this movie scratching their head, pondering whether they enjoyed it or hated its fishy guts.
Enter Piranha II: The Spawning.
This 1981 B-movie sequel was actually the feature film directorial debut of James Cameron (Aliens, Avatar), yet Cameron insists that his feature-film debut was 1984's Terminator (can you really blame him?).
Here, a whole new element is added to our deadly antagonists: yup, you guessed it - they can fly! I'm not talking happy-go-lucky Super Mario Bros. flying fish here either, I'm talking blood-thirsty piranha.
Once again, the government is involved, having developed these mutants as a line of defence by splicing flying fish with piranhas.
Now, am I the only one here who realizes that flying fish don't actually fly, but rather, glide above the water's surface? Yet, for some reason, the creatures portrayed in this film are shown flapping around clumsily like a swarm of graceless vampire bats.
Why is it that their attacks seem to be happening at night? It's almost as if the producers of the film want to keep the viewer in the dark to prevent them from seeing how cheaply awkward these flying fish really look.
Not to mention the fact that, when attacking a victim, these piranha go straight for the jugular. One can't help but wonder if the reason for this is so that the actor being bitten can literally hold the prop fish in place.
Anyway, not much more needs to be said about this film; like its predecessor, it's chalk full of cheap thrills, but lacking as far as substance is considered.
Scott P. Levy (The Alien Within) directed a remake of the original movie in 1995, but nothing new is presented here, as it is more or less a line-for-line rewrite.
Now, here we are in 2010, we're bracing ourselves for yet a second remake - but this time, we're venturing into the world of 3-D.
Directed by Alexandra Aja (The Hills Have Eyes), Piranha 3-D is slated to hit the box office Aug. 27. Yet, after seeing the trailer, I can't help but feel as though I've already seen the bulk of the movie. I know I've seen the bulk of the plot, so really, all that's left are the blood and cheap thrills.
One area where I give Piranha 3-D points is that the antagonists in this version are not some science experiment gone awry, as in the first two films. Here, they are a species of piranha that had been extinct for two million years. However, after an earthquake opens an underwater passage, scores of the prehistoric fish are released onto unknowing adolescents who are too busy enjoying their spring break to grasp the concept that something is amiss.
I will also give Pirahna 3-D credit for the CGI-created fish, which are downright uglier and more grotesque than in either of the first two films, combined with their large size and razor-sharp teeth, they appear menacingly creepy.
The film's ensemble cast includes Elisabeth Shue, Kelly Brook, Jerry O'Connell, Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss and Christopher Lloyd. I particularly like Lloyd in the role of Mr. Goodman, as he seems to bring vivaciousness to the screen that is somewhat Doc Brown-esque in delivery. (I literally just shuddered at the notion of placing Piranha 3-D in the same thought as Back to the Future).
At the end of the day, it's all just ominous fish feasting on people who are too dumb and/or ignorant to know what's good for them.
That said, Piranha 3-D has done its duty by peaking my interest. Come summer's end when it hits the box office, there's a good chance that I will be in line to see it.
-- Joe Scaringi