The Knight Before Christmas falls on its sword

Photo Credit: Mackenzie Gerry

Photo Credit: Mackenzie Gerry

The Knight Before Christmas is horrendous. There is not a plausible objection to this statement as every aspect of this film lacks forethought, complexity and general common sense.

Firstly, let me set the scene. Brooke (Vanessa Hudgens) is an elementary school teacher who has no love life, yet strangely counsels her students on their love lives. On a wintery night, swirling with incredibly fake-looking snow, Brooke runs her car into Sir Cole (Josh Whitehouse). How endearing, a love story beginning with Sir Cole getting hit with a car on what is very obviously an extremely low budget set, complete with snow that looks like styrofoam peanuts and lighting done using desk lamps.

From there Brooke invites him to stay at her house … yes, the man she ran over in the streets is invited to sleep in her home. Sir Cole reveals he is from the 1300s on a quest to become knighted. He believes his miraculous time travel is part of his quest and Brooke, a university-educated, completely sane, white-collar professional, believes him without batting an eye. Her decision to invite this complete stranger into her home is so painful to watch and an entirely unfathomable story by any stretch of the imagination.

The timeline of this film makes no sense either: it takes place over five days, yet the whole thing is still rushed. Sir Cole continues to live at Brooke’s house, he meets her family and is involved with their Christmas festivities. Each day really only involves one key event, making the film feel choppy and disconnected. As the short days speed by, Sir Cole and Brooke’s relationship picks up. He calls a waitress a “wench”, spars Brooke’s Christmas decorations and tries to roast a skunk for dinner on the front lawn with a bonfire, so naturally, Brooke couldn’t help but fall in love.

Sir Cole is out of place the entire time. He speaks in the strangest dialect and lacks any intelligence; I understand he is supposed to be from the 1300s, but there is no need for him to continue to call the television a “picture box” after being told it is not called a “picture box”. There is really no need for him to refer to cars as “beasts” either or to say “toodle-pip” instead of “goodbye”. The script is truly cringe-worthy. His accent isn’t British but sometimes sounds like it, he uses present-day language sporadically and the expressions he uses are so far out of left-field they don’t make any sense. Whitehouse’s acting is goofy, there is no other way to put it. He is dramatic in all the wrong ways and is so surface level it is hard to watch. Whitehouse acts as though his puppy-dog eyes are enough to swoon his audience, but the delivery of his lines is a tragedy.

Hudgens will always have a place in most millennials and Gen Z’s hearts, as she was the star of the High School Musical films. However, she needs to scale back on the terrible movies (aside from this flick, The Princess Switch was also awful) to save her reputation. Her acting was cheesy and very basic, there were no real emotions. She was easily the most forgettable character I have seen in fiction in a while.

Besides the massacre of lines and do-it-yourself looking sets, the story is pointless. Brooke lost both her parents and is mourning, yet she focuses her energy on Sir Cole and the stress of his quest to be knighted. I am sick and tired of watching movies that put male’s issues far before the females, in this case, his completely unattainable issues of getting knighted in the fourteenth century while existing in 2019. The plot has sprinkles of humanity in a weak attempt to convince the audience they learned something about the holiday spirit. The only thing I learned is to never let a knight from the 1300s sleep in my home, which I certainly could have figured out without watching this movie.

 

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