*Disclaimer: This article is from The Brock Press’ 2018 satire publication, which followed the theme of ‘fake news’ meant to bring humour to our readers. All quotes are attributed to made up characters.
Justin Trudeau was once bullied for the claim he made back in 2014 that “the budget will balance itself”. That statement now seems prophetic, however, as the budget has recently become sentient. “The Budget”, the newly minted self-aware estimate of income and expenditure for a set period of time, has been deliberating with Trudeau. In the meantime, Trudeau has commissioned famous songwriter Geddy Lee to draft “The Book of Justin” a new amendment to many previous religious texts.
These are strange times for the Federal Government as overnight, it seems the voting population has turned from “who is the best candidate” to, “which candidate is the most likely to know whether or not a sentient budget can, or would, balance itself.” When asked for what reason The Budget has only just started balancing itself, it gave a colloquial shrug, grin and smirk before responding “no one else had ever asked me to balance myself”. He went on to explain that perhaps Canadians should have more faith in extrapolated mathematical and financial concepts.
Perhaps The Budget is right. The Budget has also insisted in a press release that it be referred to as ‘The Budget’, capitalized to separate itself from the non-sentient budgets. But, at this point how many mathematical concepts are sentient and simply waiting are anyone’s guess. It does beg the question, what are they waiting for, and are they planning something? If so, what are they planning, and when? But frankly Scientists everywhere are hanging up their lab coats and collectively reporting: “I honestly have no idea how that is possible.” Others wondering if any of their theories are also sentient. When asked, The Budget merely responded with a disappointed glance and the phrase: “duh.”
‘The Book of Justin’ is expected to sell as many copies as they make, primarily due to curiosity but other reported aspects were clues to becoming a prophet and genuine disbelief that something like a budget can become sentient. This is the most outlandish news that we’ve reported on in sometime, what’s next? Was Alex Jones right about the U.S. government making ‘the fricken [sic] frogs gay with gay bombs baby,” because frankly, that sounds ridiculous (more on pg. 7).
Moving forward, we will be looking into whether or not the Canadian government will consider all mathematical concepts sentient by nature, or rather wait for them to out themselves as sentient. University students across the country have reportedly been asking their student debt to balance itself as well, and should any of those debts take action and oust itself as being sentient, The Brock Press will be there to report it.
Truly, we are living in unbelievable times.
In celebrity news, The Budget a newly minted ‘person’ will be starring in ABC’s the Bachelor, with many potential contestants citing its ‘balance’ as its most attractive quality. Trudeau is expected to host the season in a series first, as The Budget claimed that should he find true love, he would want Trudeau, the only man to ask him to balance himself, to officiate the wedding.