*Disclaimer: This article is from The Brock Press’ 2018 satire publication, which followed the theme of ‘fake news’ meant to bring humour to our readers. All quotes are attributed to made up characters.
When Alex Jones said that the American government was using gay bombs to make, and I quote, “the fricken frogs gay,” The Brock Press started our investigation immediately and with haste. If there was a colony or a movement of gay frogs, we would not only break the exclusive interview, but we would most certainly fight for them. It has been well over a year since Jones last broke the topic, and while he did provide proof figuring out the exact coordinates of his homosexual amphibian colonies proved to be trying. As such, we sent a team of reporters in deep cover last September, into the bowels of Texas, Jones’ home state to figure out just where they were.
When it came to frog-based contacts, The Brock Press was prepared. Kermit the Frog was a valuable source of information, local hotspots and the like. When speaking on his ilk and where they may usually tread, he had this to say: “I’d usually tell you to check out any local pig farms, but seeing the persuasion of the frogs you’ll be looking for, it seems lily pads are your best bet.”
One of the reasons this story was so important to our news organization were the consequences of it. Truly, if frogs could display outward sexualities, even some level of thought about their preference in a mate. What was next for the animal kingdom? Were mathematical concepts going to be proven real by our Prime Minister (more on pg. 18).
We wanted, rather than Jones setting the discourse around these frogs, for them to have the last word on their own situation. It felt only right, not only as journalists, but as citizens of a free nation. Little did we know that Jones having the last word on these frogs would be more than we would ever bargain for.
Another contact reached out to was one who claimed to have insider information on Jones himself. This was, of course, Michigan J. Frog – as any avid Info Wars fan may know, Michigan and Jones go back decades, if not millennia. When asked about Jones’ sources, Michigan had this to say: “Hello my baby, hello my honey. Hello my ragtime, summertime gal.” Michigan was fairly useless until later in the investigation.
When searching for these colonies, all we found were frogs who were scared of humans, cameras and lighting equipment. The Brock Press failed to gather any footage of the happenings around any homosexual frogs and unfortunately, nearly failed Brock itself. Luckily, Michigan was not done with us yet. For we found the frog in that lily pad – but it wasn’t until one of our chief photographers caught a picture of the action it was revealed that Michigan J. Frog was truly Alex Jones the entire time. Seemingly gas lighting North America on this entirety of the homosexual frog story in order to raise awareness for frogs, perhaps garner more rights for the amphibious creatures, as he was an amphibian all along.
When police arrived at the scene, Jones was quoted as saying: “And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling journalists!”