*Disclaimer: This article is from The Brock Press’ 2018 satire publication, which followed the theme of ‘fake news’ meant to bring humour to our readers. All quotes are attributed to made up characters.
Badger fans, get ready for Saturday nights under the lights at Alumni Field. From now on, your homecoming weekends won’t just involve a packed Meridian Centre for hockey or a full day on the pitch for lacrosse and soccer. You now get to watch football, too. And no, we’re not talking about watching U.S. college football on TV.
Brock Sports has announced the inception of a football program that will be starting in the fall of 2018.
The program’s first ever head coach will be Rex Ryan, who has been away from coaching since he was let go by the Buffalo Bills just over a year ago. Ryan, who spent part of his childhood in Canada and played youth hockey as a kid, felt accustomed to the predominantly hockey-culture that the Niagara region has to offer. He couldn’t pass up the opportunity to start a university football team from scratch.
“I think having Rex Ryan leading the team will be great, it’s a huge hire for a brand new program,” said Jason Scott, a longtime Brock Sports supporter.
Bringing in a wealth of professional coaching experience, a handful of Brock head coaches have been reduced to volunteer status so that the athletic department and university can support Ryan’s 10-year four-million dollar contract. From now on, all assistant coaches hired at Brock will be unpaid, so that Ryan can lure in some other top coaching talents from the NFL and NCAA (rumour has it his brother, Rob Ryan, will be joining on as associate head coach and defensive coordinator).
“Will he bring in his brother, Rob, to run the defense? Maybe the brothers would be better off being apart. There are plenty other noteworthy coaches available. If Rex can sell the program, he’ll be able to put together a strong staff,” said another Badger sports fan.
Ryan, though only days into his contract with the Badgers, has already recruited some extremely talented football players to wear the red, white and blue.
Quarterbacks Johnny Manziel and Colin Kaepernick have both foregone their professional careers for a chance to return to college football in a more under-the-radar association in U SPORTS. Manziel, who attempted to land a spot on the Hamilton Tiger Cats this past spring, has been itching for a chance to live in Niagara. When he got the call from Rex Ryan and realized he would have the opportunity to live in Village Residence and continue his partying ways, he just couldn’t say no.
Kaepernick made the leap of faith to commit to Ryan’s new program when the Student Justice Centre made a pitch for him to lead Black History Month next February. Kaepernick will be the leader of various workshops and is fully supportive of the Canadian national anthem. Kaepernick also appreciates the recent changes made to the anthem.
As a result of the new football program, some other major announcements have been made regarding the rest of Brock Sports.
The wrestling program is a dynasty. Everyone can agree on that based on the amount of success they have had over the past 25 years. So, just to give the program a bit of an inter-school challenge, they will no longer be practicing in the gymnasiums anymore. Thistle 325 will now be closed off to students and professors on weeknights and early mornings and will be the primary training site for the wrestlers.
All sports teams have been reduced to club level sports so that the athletic department can financially support the new football program. The Bob Davis Gym is going to be turned into a state-of-the-art locker room, coupled with coaches offices and an additional weight room designed specifically for football players.
The newly purchased and painted Brock Badgers team bus will be used solely for the purposes of transporting the football team to and from away games, as well as transporting the coaching staff across Canada and the United States to recruit top talent for the Badgers.
The Brock Badgers football team will participate in the OUA conference, and will open their season in August against rival McMaster at home on Alumni Field.