Boomer appointed new president

Boomer_CC

*Disclaimer: This article is from The Brock Press’ 2018 satire publication, which followed the theme of ‘fake news’ meant to bring humour to our readers. All quotes are attributed to made up characters.

In a move that some say was a long time coming, Brock mascot Boomer the Badger has been appointed president of the University. Announced Monday, the news has attracted high praise from members of the Brock community.

“Boomer has always been an important part of the school, and I’m glad to see that he’ll be taking on a more involved role,” said one Brock professor.

Others were less than excited about the appointment.

“How can a giant badger represent this university?” said one professor who declined to be named. “How does anyone think this is okay?”

Despite the objections, Boomer’s list of qualifications have certainly drawn attention. Having been attending Brock for decades, he’s managed to rack up a substantial number of undergraduate and postgraduate degrees, as well as participating in a long list of community events and sports teams.

“I think he’s the perfect candidate,” said a member of the BUSU executive team. “Sometimes to move things forward you just need a little bit of a change, and Boomer would certainly be a change.

The new president took office as of 9:00 a.m. on Monday morning, and began the day with an announcement in front of the school. Chairs were arrayed in front of the Sir Isaac Brock statue and faculty, staff, and students from every department arrived, expecting to hear from the now former President Gervan Fearon, who was nowhere to be seen.

Instead, a staff member approached the podium and quieted the chattering crowd. He then invited them to greet the new Brock University President.

To their surprise, music started to play and in his traditional mascot fashion, Boomer came bursting through the backdrop — which had apparently been just a large sheet of paper with the Brock logo on it — doing back-flips and waving at the crowd. As the music reached a crescendo, President Boomer encouraged the invited guests to cheer, and then approached the podium himself.

“We expected that he was the precursor to the actual event,” said a student who had been in attendance. “We certainly didn’t expect this.”

Boomer then pulled out a t-shirt cannon from behind the podium and blasted red and white shirts into the crowd, emblazoned with the slogan “President Boomer 2018” and a photo of the badger’s face. The president, being a mascot, of course had nothing to say to mark the occasion, but made sure to offer a high five and a thumbs up to everyone present. His assistant assured that he would be on hand to do the same thing every day on campus, and would not be slowing down on his duty to appear at Brock sports games. The assistant then passed on the message that the new president wished all Brock students good luck and good studying as the April exam period approaches. He then declined interviews for the president and sent members of the press away.

President Boomer has taken to his new role with his traditional giant smile, and was seen Monday afternoon with a tie over top of his basketball jersey and his feet up on the president’s desk.  As of this publication, accommodations were already being made to both widen and raise door frames in the office to prevent the new president from hitting his head.

But what happened to former president Gervan Fearon?

“Nobody has heard from him since before the announcement,” said a member of the president’s office staff. All attempts to reach president Fearon have been met with complete silence on the other end of the phone line. All attempts to schedule an interview with the current or former presidents have been met with deflections. In an attempt to gather as much information as possible for our readers, members of The Brock Press decided to go directly to the president’s office. Though there was no answer, one person later reported seeing Boomer quickly replacing his head, and swore the person they saw beneath the costume was none other than President Gervan Fearon. Requests for comment have been ignored by the president’s office.

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