Because The Hurricane Heist is beyond all logic and reason. That’s why. So when you see the actual federal agent tasked with protecting $600 million driving the kind of car a student would own, and you see the meteorologist driving around in what is basically a tank, don’t worry about it, it’s the least of your problems.
You shouldn’t waste time trying to make sense of this movie. It’s a fight you won’t win: every character has at least two completely opposite viewpoints that they flip flop between without warning; flood waters are in one shot high enough to require a boat, and in the next barely scraping a character’s ankles. The bad guys make a point of not killing a single person, but the weatherman, without any kind of combat training, kills at least seven people throughout the movie. It’s a wild ride.
I would tell you in great detail about some of the more absurd moments in this film, but I’m not sure you’d believe me. I don’t even think I believe them, and they’re seared on my retinas forever. The opening scene, however, is something I have to share with you; it’s supposed to serve as an emotional introduction to our characters, and the loss of their father to a hurricane in 1992. It should be a really impactful moment, right? Something that, realistically, is hard to get wrong?
‘Hold my beer,’ The Hurricane Heist says to you. ‘I’ve got this’.
The first line of dialogue is delivered in the most comically incorrect Alabama accent I have ever heard (and every character talks in the same way). The father asks his kids to practice their football plays to keep them occupied… Except they’re in a car. And rather than handle the father’s death tastefully, we (and the children) watch as he is comically swept up into the air. But wait, it still gets worse, because out of the clouds of the hurricane comes a skull. I’m not kidding — a skull, like The Dark Mark in Harry Potter.
It comes out of the clouds in the sky, and glares at these children. What am I supposed to do with that?
Every other choice that went into the making of this movie is baffling, and the overall effect is that I’m having an existential crisis. There’s no sense of space or time; characters drive from one place to another in one scene, but in the next are apparently able to jog between them. The hurricane is never at any point a threat to anyone other than the bad guys. And the bad guys’ plot is filled with so many twists and reveals that I’m honestly not even sure what the plan was to begin with. Credit where it’s due, though because although the action set pieces are stupid, and nonsensical, they’re not lackluster. When you start throwing car wheel covers around like they’re deadly Frisbees, and you actually kill someone with them, you’ve got a 10/10 movie on your hands.
The most baffling part is that, the bad guys are way easier to root for. They’re stealing money that’s going to be shredded anyway, and their total kill count at the end of the film is one. The good guys, as mentioned above, are killing people left and right with a Batmobile and death Frisbees, at one point blowing open a ceiling to let the hurricane eat people.
If you’re reading this and still have no idea what’s going on in this movie, I’m right there with you. But I can tell you this: I had the time of my life watching it. It’s terrible, for sure as a film student, a wannabe screenwriter and someone who likes it when things make sense, this movie gave me a hernia. But it’s spectacularly bad. You really won’t believe what you’re seeing.
As a final point, I’d like to address the fact that I’ve not named a single actor or filmmaker who was involved in the making of this movie. It’s for the best. You don’t know who they are, and they aren’t rising to super-stardom off the back of this movie. But I like to hope that they’re actually pretty good actors. When they have the right material; when they get their chance to prove it, their name starts showing up on cinema marquees, the last thing they need is for someone who’s seen The Hurricane Heist to look up at their name and think to themselves ‘hey, I’ve seen them in something before… Oh no. Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO’.
Not a single character used the phrase ‘it’s gonna be a bumpy ride’, though. So points for restraint, I guess. This movie ruined me.