7 People You Should Never Be


Here’s 7 ways you can be a completely terrible person this year.

1. People who take the muffler off their car
We’ve all seen these people, driving ugly hatchback Honda Civics with tinted windows, obnoxiously coloured rims and an equally obnoxious exhaust system. They are the object of our collective scorn, and they do not care. They will continue to drive by sleeping babies, people with migraines, and scared pets, not so silently voicing their disregard for each of them as they rev their tiny four-cylinder engine. Why do they do this? Is it a case of crippling self-esteem issues, a desire to be noticed for once in their pathetic life, or merely a complete lack of self-awareness?

2. People who give unsolicited advice
We’ve all probably been these people at some point. Your friend or family member had a terrible day, and they just want someone to rant to but you interrupt them after their first sentence to give them your take. They don’t care. They want your ear, not your thoughts. So sit down, shut up, and just pretend you have the capacity for empathy.

3. People who post their political rants/philosophical musings on Facebook
Nobody cares.

4. People who play loud music in public
They always drive with their windows down, no matter how cold it is, blasting the mix tape they made in their mom’s basement. Like their muffler-hating brother, this guy is an obnoxious solipsist man-child. Sometimes they take the bus, their Beats by Dre™ hanging around their neck, playing whatever garbage top-40 track they think connects to their life right now. They want everyone to think they’re cool. It’s not working.

5. People with two faces
These people are as ugly on the inside as the Batman villain is on the outside. They’re easy to spot because they inevitably slip up when they can’t keep track of their own two faced crockery. They only cares about their appearance in the current moment, always changing their story to whatever makes them look best to their audience, undercutting everyone else while overselling themselves. They are the embodiment of ‘all style, no substance,’ just without the style.

6. People who want to play with only bumpers and pokeballs in Super Smash Bros
They’re as bad as people who only play on final destination. Bonus points if they only play Kirby.


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