The New Year means a “New You,” or so the 500 spammy advertisements we got in our inbox last week told us. So this week, we gazed into the Brock Press crystal ball, consulted our star charts, and determined what the new you will be for 2016.
Aries: March 21–Apr. 19
Your resolution is to spend more time with family. You then remember that you can’t stand your family. Your time spent with them gradually increases the rage and anger in your heart until you slowly begin to transform. It starts with a tremor in the wrist, then your hair starts growing unexpectedly quickly. Before you know it, you’re an unspeakable monster that thrives on fury and hatred, who rips the still-beating hearts of your enemies from their chests.
Taurus: Apr. 20–May 20
You resolve to start going to all of your lectures. You will then realize from going to the lectures that you actually don’t enjoy your program. Your life begins to lose all meaning as you sit and listen to someone talk about something that means nothing to you. The last three years of your life, and the thousands of tuition dollars spent, vanish before your eyes as you retreat into existential angst and despair.
Gemini: May 21–June 21
You resolve to find a significant other. Instead, you will find chlamydia. You will recognize the futility of your quest for love and join a convent. Where you will then contract syphilis.
Cancer: June 22–July 22
You will resolve to start taking more “you” time,. You like this time so much that you stop leaving your room. The Cheetoh dust begins to crust around your overgrown beard as you shun the outside world and resolve yourself to your comfortable Netflix cocoon.
Leo: July 23–Aug. 22
You resolve to be more efficient. To achieve this efficiency, you turn to caffeine as your primary solution to ensure that you can stay as efficient as possible. By May you will realize that you haven’t slept since February. Your eyelids have lost the ability to close, and your eyeballs resemble dried prunes. Sometimes a single stream of blood runs down your cheek in place of a tear as you recognize the horror that is your existence
Virgo: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
You resolve to travel more. Because of your inexperience in traveling, however, you will end up traveling to a radioactive volcano. You think you would at least leave with some cool superpowers, but instead you just leave with a lifetime of crippling pain and illness.
Libra: Sept. 23–Oct. 23
You have resolved to start volunteering for nonprofits. However, due to a lack of research, you will not realize that not all nonprofits are unquestionably ethical. You think you are joining save the bears, but you are really joining shave the bears, a non-profit organization dedicated to shaving body hair off of large, hairy men.
Scorpio: Oct. 24–Nov. 21
You resolve to save money. You will be very successful at this goal, and save up a small fortune. Unfortunately, you then begin to question whether your friends actually care about you, or if they just love you for your money. All of your relationships become meaningless as you question the motives of everyone in your life. You build wall after wall until you live isolated in your small fortress, your only friends the cold, gold coins that fill your vaults.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
You resolve to start working out more. You work out so much that your arms get huge, but you start skipping leg day, because nobody likes leg day. As your arms get bigger and your legs get smaller, you start to resemble a sad Dorito. Your body gets slowly absorbed by your arms, and in the end you are nothing but a giant pair of lonely, meaningless arms.
Capricorn: Dec. 22–Jan. 19
You resolve to learn something new every day. You learn so much that it leads you to question all of your long-held beliefs and foundational principles. Life is meaningless. Knowledge consumes you, as everyday makes you question what you learned the previous day until nothing matters anymore.
Aquarius: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
You resolved to lose weight this year. Little did you know, you will lose so much weight that you will literally become invisible. You will try to explain to your parents, but your disembodied voice will scare them so much that they will chase you out. You will roam the streets, lonely and invisible, unable to make contact with anyone without striking fear into their hearts as they run away from the disembodied voice.
Pisces: Feb.19 Mar. 20
You’ve resolved to get more organized. You will get so organized that you start making lists in your sleep. You then start making lists about what you need to make lists about so that your lists can be perfectly organized. Nothing else matters. Life is list. Everything is list. List is love. List is life. List. List. List.