Aquarius: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
Sure that Halloween party you attended was fun, but was it really worth it? You may find in the coming months that you are beginning to change. Fangs will grow, you will start staying up to the early hours of the morning hoping to find a tasty snack and you will dread the sunlight. But hey, that fruit punch was good right?
Pisces: Feb.19–Mar. 20
You will be walking home through the woods and will be attacked by a werewolf. He will proceed to kidnap you and take you back to his lair located in West Hill. Unfortunately for you, the werewolf is actually a transformed University Professor. I hope you enjoy the merits of macroeconomics and profit maximization.
Aries: March 21–Apr. 19
Remember that awful thing you did last summer? The man, the car…well, some things have a way of coming back to haunt you. Plus, that guy is like totally pissed. I mean you hit him with a car… did you honestly think he wouldn’t get your license plate and show up with the hospital bill ?
Taurus: Apr. 20–May 20
You will wake up in a giant maze. You will have no idea why you got there, but you better start running. Is something watching you? And why do I smell rotting meat? Is that a bull?
Gemini: May 21–June 21
Have you ever seen that episode of The Simpsons where Bart meets his evil twin Hugo? Well, he/she is out there and they are coming for you, and they could really use a loan.
Cancer: June 22–July 22
You will run-into (insert your least favourite ex here). Despite your best intentions, they will talk to you all night and wreck whatever chance you had at meeting that special someone. Oh yeah, and they will totally go “Carrie” on you if you try and run away.
Leo: July 23–Aug. 22
You may find yourself in a zombie apocalypse, but here is the catch: instead of wanting to eat people, they only want to eat you. Hey, didn’t you always say you were waiting for this day? Well so were the zombies … and they are hungry.
Virgo: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 12 seconds. That is when the world will end. And no, don’t bother asking why.
Libra: Sept. 23–Oct. 23
You told your mother you didn’t like going to the dentist. She insisted. You will spend the next day being chased around doctor Phantasam’s office by a mysterious death-orb. If that was not bad enough, he claims that his practise doesn’t accept OSAP dental coverage. You owe him $800 and he is getting it one tooth at a time.
Scorpio: Oct. 24–Nov. 21
As you make a quick stop at a store, you will find that the outside gets completely covered by a mysterious mist. Better get prepared for a long stay. I hear the store has an employee room with lots of terrible Stephen King adaptations. Enjoy!
Sagittarius: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
You will take a mysterious trip to Tokyo to inherit your deceased, long-lost cousin’s estate. Unfortunately for you, it is haunted by 13 ghosts who are all really pissed off. Apparently ghosts don’t like being evicted either.
Capricorn: Dec. 22–Jan. 19
You will stop at the worst motel ever during a spontaneous road-trip. I mean something just didn’t seem right. Is that the in-keepers dead mother’s corpse sitting in a rocking chair? Above all else, do not give it a one star review on “Yelp”, or you may find your stay being extended “indefinitely”.