The Brocktopus: 8 ways to make “the most” out of your OSAP

We at The Brock Press know full-well that university can be incredibly taxing on the pocketbook. Some students have to take on a part-time job just to get by even while taking a full course load.
We want to help alleviate the burden in these tough times by offering the best financial advice that we can. We want you to get the most out of your student loans and all that hard-earned money your parents send you every month. So here are 8 suggestions for the financially savvy student.

1. Everyone knows students love to party and socialize, but thanks to those meddlesome socialists running the government, they refuse to keep the pubs open past 2:00 a.m. Well, there’s always one place that keeps the doors open 24/7: The casino. There’s plenty in Niagara. Next time you’re downtown with the lads and you don’t know what to do after 2:00 a.m., just remember all those flashy lights and happy faces at the casino. It’s sure to be a splendid time, and likely won’t smell like desperation and adult diapers.

2. Buy at least three or four dozen Bass Pro Shop hats every year. Every student wants to fit in at Brock and you’ll just be that much more cooler when you can wear one every day of the school year.

3. There’s a very simple and wise credo that has been handed down from generation to generation at Brock: “If it looks good, eat it”. And why not? Grocery shopping is expensive. Who’s got time for that? Every Brock student knows Kraft Dinner and Ketchup is a legendary local favourite. Not like Burger King or Raw Fish or U need a Pita for goodness sake… phh.

4. Get yourself a Rhesus Macaque (monkey). Wonderful companions. They also make great drinking buddies when everyone else is studying and writing papers and making proper use of their time.

5. Buy a plane ticket and go to Europe after reading week. I hear Siberia is quite nice around this time of year.

6. Since we want to be as responsible and financially wise as possible, purchasing some common stock, though risky, might pay off in the long run in terms of alleviating burdensome student debt. Volkswagen?

7. If you’re living off campus, important accessories are necessary to making your student accommodations party prepared: this isn’t an exhaustive list but it’s a start: Giant gumball machine, multicoloured toilet paper, inflatable twister board, and maybe some glow in the dark jeans.

8. Invest in Willow Smith’s acting career.

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