The Brocktopus: 8 ways to find your campus soulmate

Brock has a big campus. With over 17,000 students, each with their own unique and busy school schedule, it can be hard making connections. So when you see that attractive individual from across the field in front of the tower, keep the following tips in mind!

1. Spot them at Brock. Nothing’s more flattering than an anonymous stranger sharing a detailed description of your body and haircut on a Facebook group for thousands of people to see. Once they see the post, they’ll be dying to figure out who you are!

2. Yak at them. If there’s anything that’s more effective than an anonymous Facebook post, it’s an anonymous post on Yik Yak.

3. Make sure they know you’re single! Of course, the only reason why that person avoided you is because they probably thought you were taken. That’s the only reasonable explanation. Throw out your wardrobe and replace it with “Mr. Right” graph t-shirts that say things like “let’s make out”.

4. Make sure they know how sexually virile you are! Related to the previous tip: if they’ve figured out that you’re single, they may need some extra notification as to your prowess as a lover. Some shirts that may help with this include the famous “The man (up arrow), the legend (down arrow)”, and “I’m a virgin (this is an old shirt)”. These classics are sure to ensure your love life will be bigger and better than ever!

5. Get an acoustic guitar. Just bring it with you everywhere. It’s a known fact that everyone likes that person with an acoustic guitar. Bring it to lecture! Start playing Wonderwall during ECON 1P91. You’ll make a bunch of new friends, your prof will love you, and you may just find the right person!

6. Work on your tan! The more tanned you can be, the more likely you are to attract someone, so make sure you’re putting in the effort. If you will still have healthy skin by the time you’re 30, you’re doing it wrong. You want that “my flesh has been slowly cooking” glow.

7. Surf the internet for a band that nobody has heard of so you can tell your crush they are your favourite band. This will make you sound super cultured and edgy. The more obscure the band, the cooler you sound. Aim for something like Danish neo-baroque-anti-punk-indie-progressive-alternative folk. It’s a sure way to land a second date.

8. Make a milkshake. I have heard that they bring all of the boys to the yard. If you don’t want boys, but want individuals of a different gender identity, maybe experiment with smoothies or other blended drinks. I’m sure one has to work for you.

These eight tips are guaranteed to make your love life 20 per cent cooler. If you can think of anything else that might turn your crush’s head, tweet us @TheBrockPress.

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