The Brocktopus: 8 tips to writing essays your profs will love

As a first-year student, one of the most daunting challenges of university will inevitably be writing papers. Luckily, our friendly neighbourhood Brocktopus is here to count down 8 things that will certainly help your papers stand out from the crowd.

1. On all your assignments for the year, type every word in a different font. For top marks, make sure to alternate between really big and really small fonts.

2. When writing a really long paper, especially the 10-12,000 word variety, in tBrocktopushe middle of it write a recipe for fettuccine shrimp alfredo and see if the professor notices.

3. If you’ve run out of printing paper the night before the paper is due, write the entire paper on yellow sticky notes and hand it in by sticking them all over the professor’s door.

4. If you’re writing a history paper, change the names of important and prominent historical figures like Abraham Lincoln, George Washington or Genghis Khan into nicknames you’ve made up out of thin air.

5. Some professors like a good introduction to a paper so on the day the paper is due, come to class and perform an elaborate ceremony to the gods, chanting in a Gregorian hymn that the gods will bless your paper with a worthy mark.

6. If you’re a philosophy major, tell your professor that you refuse under any circumstances to write a paper because you’re convinced this world is just an elaborately conceived computer experiment and none of it is real, or if you’re slightly loopier, refuse to write the paper because you’re an environmentalist protesting the industrial mass butchery of trees everywhere.

7. If you’re an art major struggling to string together a sentence for a big paper, try something creative and very post modern like typing every single letter on the paper twice – sure the professor would love this one.

8. Finding quotes to support your paper’s arguments can be a time-consuming effort – one sure way to get around this problem is to write down completely unreadable blabber and nonsensical quotations — professors rarely go in-depth on papers — why do you think they’re teaching at university anyway?

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