Horror-scopes

Aries: March 21–Apr. 19
You will study well for your last exam, and will attend it fully prepared to answer every question correctly. Unfortunately, your Brock student card has been with you since first-year, and as such the student number has rubbed off. You will be unable to remember it, and will try to make up a student number, in the end losing your proficient marks in the system. Just a heads up, whatever you may guess, your student number definitely doesn’t include a Batman symbol.
Taurus: Apr. 20–May 20
Over the summer you will end up cleansing your Facebook news feed of most of your “friends” due to their anti-vaccine propaganda, blue/white dress analyses and love for The Big Bang Theory. Once your news feed is empty, it will become clear that you need new friends.
Gemini: May 21–June 21
Your “best friend” will stop responding to you on Facebook chat, probably because of all that stuff you posted about The Big Bang Theory.
Cancer: June 22–July 22
Due to collective laziness, you and your housemates will wait until the last weekend on your lease to return hundreds of boxes of empties to the Beer Store. The return will be so substantial that you could buy the student house from your landlord, but you and your housemates will ending up blowing it on the fickle real estate market.
Leo: July 23–Aug. 22
In preparation for the premiere of Game of Thrones’ season five, you will marathon the first four seasons. In the end, you’ll have to claim a fugue state to explain your absence from society.
Virgo: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Once the warm weather hits, you will shave your head on a whim, only to be made famous for the birthmark you didn’t know you have that looks a little too much like Bill Cosby.

 

Libra: Sept. 23–Oct. 23
You will start your summer by following Carly Rae Jepson on her tour across Canada, only to realize her repertoire is rather limited. You will end the summer seeking therapy to help get over the songs stuck in your head.

Scorpio: Oct. 24–Nov. 21
You will accidentally flush your phone down the toilet. There will be no excuse for how it happened, you will just have to be straightforward and honest about it.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
You will become addicted to local vegan doughnuts, and will gain a horrendous amount of weight. At a certain point you will be denied entry to the shop, both for your own good, and because the door will no longer accommodate your doughy frame.

Capricorn: Dec. 22–Jan. 19
Your Instagram account will be hacked by a person that’s obsessed with pictures of children’s shoes. They will do a convincing job of imitating your propensity for multiple hashtags, and as such no one will believe you that you were hacked. #Velcro #lightups #nostalgia

Aquarius: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
During the process of cleaning out your student room, you will find the snuggie that you previously believed to have been stolen by your now ex-bestie. After a wash&dry, and a talk over coffee, both the snuggie and the friendship will be good as new, but your friend’s kleptomania (regardless of the resolved snuggie incident) will remain a phantom wedge in the relationship.

Pisces: Feb.19–Mar. 20
You will take the summer to learn to ride a unicycle, in hopes of being more memorable. This will succeed, in a way, in that people will remember to avoid you around the campus.

Don’t believe in
horoscopes?
Good.
You shouldn’t.

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