Form letters for everyday life

End-of-the-year Edition

Here at The Brock Press, we strive to help our readers in any way we can, whether it’s through providing information on, say, the latest student governance news or more mundane dilemmas. With that in mind, this week we present the final edition of “Form Letters for Everyday Life”, in which we offer standard fill-in-the-blank aids to streamline your more uncomfortable endeavours. Simply fill in from the options given in the blanks provided and even cut out the letter if need be to help you on the spot. Whether it’s while applying for every job you hear of, or while moving back into your childhood bedroom, these letters will help you get through the unfortunately necessary discussions.

#1: Cover letter for applications after university 

To whom it may concern,
I am seeking _____________________ (gainful / potential / any [this will depend on how many cover letters you’ve sent out – the more you write, the lower your standards should be]) employment. I possess many skills and much experience, ______________________ (all / some / none [fake it ‘till you make it, this part doesn’t really matter]) of which apply to the open position that you are offering. During my time at university, I gained a comprehensive skill set, and can now expertly __________________________ (develop an essay outline / check my email on an inconsistent basis / cram info into my short term memory only to forget it within a week or two). I am seeking a salary in a range that is ________________________ (competitive / reasonable / up to 50 per cent less the industry standard [let’s be honest, you want a job, go with that last choice]). I look forward to hearing from you, if not I will be sure to ____________________ (follow up in an appropriate fashion / send you another copy of this application every week until you pay attention to me / egg your business and apply for a less senior position).

#2 : Moving back home with your parents

Hello again, _______________ (parents / guardians / past hippie commune [you fill this in; everybody’s family is different]). Due to __________________ (the current employment rate / the real-world worth of my degree / my inability to truly grow into a functioning adult), I have been unable to find a job. As such, I’ll be spending ____________________ (the summer / possibly the rest of my life) here at home in my old room. In light of this arrangement, I think we should address a few issues right away. First, at a moment’s notice, I may _______________________ (eat everything in the fridge / have more dirty laundry than is logical for someone who doesn’t really go out / disappear into my room for week-long TV binges). Since leaving home for university, I have developed a few emotional proclivities, so be warned that I may enter a blind fit of rage if ______________________  (the wi-fi cuts out / we run out of fruit loops / I read another Facebook post about a friend getting their dream job). I hope we can live together peacefully, I’m more than happy to _________________ (mow the lawn / shovel the drive way / play bridge with you and your friends on occasion) as compensation for the rent I definitely can’t pay.

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