Snow Day changes University closure standards
On February 2 Brock University closed its doors due to severe weather conditions for the first time this academic year, and then the powers-that-be have decided to lower the standards required to announce a snow day in the first place. Citing how “rad” it was to have a long weekend just because of some snow, a representative for Brock explained the university’s decision to alter closure guidelines.
“I mean, nobody really wanted to get up that Monday morning, so when we saw that there was enough snow to call it off, we just went for it” said Kate Riley, Assistant Director at Brock’s Climate Monitor Lab, located in Weather Station Field. “Maaaaan, just sleeping in and waking up at noon to all that fresh snow? Way better than going in to work.”
In light of these views, which are apparently held by the majority of Brock’s senior administration, from now on, so long as there is snow and/or freezing rain and the decision-makers “aren’t feeling work today” (as stated in the official policy change press release), Brock will close its doors for the day.
“Maybe even two days in a row if it keeps snowing” added Riley. “Or if I don’t finish catching up on Property Brothers.”
New measures taken to improve student votership
In order to bolster voter turnout among the student population at Brock University this year, the Elections Oversight staff has opted to initiate more aggressive measures. Volunteer members of the organization will be working around the clock to promote student involvement in the democratic process by employing such tactics as psychological warfare, intimidation and subliminal messaging.
“It will change depending on a student by student basis” said elections manager Kyle Morgan. “We’ve done extensive research on the types of non-voters present here on campus, so with some it will be more effective to blitz their smartphone with non-stop reminders of their responsibility to vote, while others will be subject to more subtle, mind-manipulating methods”.
A majority of students are expected to be voting in the first place, and Morgan believes that many more will follow suit merely on the threat of more targeted action by the Elections Oversight staff. However, as the numbers dwindle, specifically unengaged members of the student populous will be singled out.
“It’s like Rock the Vote, but not nearly as much fun, or observant of human rights,” said Morgan.
According to an internal source, among other methods, volunteers have been told to follow notorious non-voters around campus while blaring obnoxious music until the target’s psyche is broken into a more submissive state, primed to due their duty as members of a student democracy. Others will face vague, indirect threats like those of Mafia men, should they be unwilling to make an informed choice about their student government.
“Of course, most of them abstain completely, but hey, at least they voted, right?”
Online Career Fair helps students further careers from the comfort of their beds
Brock University hosted its first Online Career Fair on February 3, connecting a landmark number of pajama-clad students with potential employers. The event hosted thousands of students, a majority of which noted in the survey given afterwards that they very much enjoyed the convenience afforded to them by its virtual setting.
“I watched half a season of Trailer Park Boys while chatting in a resume workshop” said one anonymous student. “That show’s hilarious, and yeah, my resume isn’t nearly as wordy as it was before.”
“I got so much done with the online career fair” commented another in the survey. “I even surprised myself with how many jobs I applied for while typing with only one hand.”
With such success, the next Online Career Fair is already in the works for the fall, when supine, half-awake students will once again improve their career options while watching the Domino’s Tracker Pizza progress bar update.