Here at The Brock Press, we strive to help our readers in any way we can, whether it’s through providing information on, say, the latest student governance news or more mundane dilemmas. With that in mind, this week we present the third edition of “Form Letters for Everyday Life”, in which we offer standard fill-in-the-blank aids to streamline your more uncomfortable endeavours. Simply fill in from the options given in the blanks provided and even cut out the letter if need be to help you on the spot. Whether it’s while waiting outside your Professor’s office or while pacing outside your house-mate’s smelly room, these letters will help you get through the unfortunately necessary discussions .
If you have a request for an upcoming edition, feel free to get in touch through email (contacts on page 3) and Twitter @TheBrockPress.
#1: Requesting an extension on your term paper
Hi ___________________ (name of Teaching Assistant/ Professor / Instructor), thank you for ___________________ (meeting with me the week the essay is due / meeting me outside your office hours the day before the essay is due / not macing me when I followed you to your car because it’s literally the last chance I have to talk to you about the essay). Unfortunately, I ___________________ (haven’t gotten my essay done / will not get my essay done / haven’t even started working on my essay). [Pause for ensuing look of ___________________ (disgust / rage / indifference) and answer questions as to why]. It’s because I ___________________ (didn’t take the “reading” part of reading week literally / have been catching up on House of Cards for the upcoming third season release / had mono, probably). [Optional: begin ___________________ (crying pathetically / coughing sickly / cackling unpredictably, to imply possible danger to their person)]. I would really appreciate it if you could grant me an extension on the essay, I promise ___________________ (it’ll be the best paper you read this semester / it won’t happen again because I’m in my last year / I’ll assume I can get an extension on every paper just by bothering to ask about it, and won’t learn a lesson at all).
#2: Addressing awkward topics with your roommate
Thank you for meeting me here to talk [make it formal, to make sure no one takes it personally, even though you already do]. I’d like to talk about the ___________________ (lack of clean dishes / amount of hair in the shower drain / use of the Netflix account that I pay for / weird smell coming from your bedroom). It has become an unavoidable issue because ___________________ (I always have to clean a dish before I can use it / it affects the drainage of the shower and has given me a foot fungus / I only have one available screen on my account / it honestly smells like what I assume the “sloth” scene from Se7en smells like). I know that it’s your problem and not mine because ___________________ (I actually clean dishes, but never find clean dishes / only one of us has red hair in this house / the Recently Watched is full of Kurt Russell movies, and I know you love his giant chin / well, it’s your room). If you don’t take care of this, ___________________(I’ll start keep the dishes I wash in my room so you’ll have to do your own / I’ll snake the drain once a week and hide the contents in your room / I’ll (gulp) change my password / I’ll call the police, because for real, I’m starting to think you killed someone).