What could possibly be a more efficient way of describing the shared student experiences at Brock University than the cold, hard numbers. When the interpretive experiences and personal stories end, these statistics will forever hold true in describing what life was actually like at Brock in the 2014/2015 school year.
1. The number of Netflix subscriptions among Brock University students has increased by 76.4 per cent since the addition of Friends to the lineup.
2. There is a 98 per cent chance that the previous statistic is inaccurate because all students who use Netflix are leeching off a friend`s account with a low security password.
3. Despite it being winter, three in four students who own the signature Bass Pro Shop hat will continue to wear it.
4. Anytime past New Years, after noticing a radio station is still playing Christmas music, it takes on average 2.47 seconds for listeners to promptly shut off their radio.
5. While 100 per cent of Brock students’ term one marks say “unofficial marks”, they are 100 per cent official. There is a 98.9 per cent chance that this is because the Office of the Registrar delights in dashing the hopes of desperate grade grubbers who falsely believe they will be bell-curved.
6. 89.5 per cent of Brock students that attended the Niagara Falls New Year’s Eve Party to see Keith Urban believe they were qualified to shout, “Oh my gosh, I love country music”, because they regularly attend The Moose and Goose.
7. The remaining 10.5 per cent were fan-girling over Nick Jonas, and were noticeably upset when he kissed his girlfriend Olivia Pope on stage when the clock struck midnight, while they stood there wondering if they would find true love this year.
8. One of every two students that come back from the winter break are forced to live off Cheese Whiz and Vegetable Thins until they receive the next instalment of their OSAP.
9. 87 per cent of Brock students have forgotten how to budget for the second round of textbooks they will need for the winter semester. Furthermore, 90 per cent of those students foolishly believe that selling back their textbooks to the campus store will allow them to afford anything more than a junior chicken at McDonald’s
10. The average Brock student comes up with at least seven excuses to postpone showing their parents their final semester one marks.
11. Over the break, approximately 17 Brock students have finally listened to their friends’ recommendations and watched Suits. Unfortunately, 97 per cent of viewers have already lost interest in everything but Harvey Spectre’s chiselled jaw.
12. 120 per cent of Brock students love pretty much any song written by Taylor Swift. (What do you mean, 120 per cent isn’t a thing?)
13. Zero per cent of the employees at The Brock Press are math majors.