Horrorscopes: How your life is going to suck balls this week

Aries: March 21–Apr. 19

Your favourite new show will be cancelled after a weak first-half of the premiere season. What did you expect? This is what you get for being a loyal FOX programming fan.

Taurus: Apr. 20–May 20

Everything you cleverly bought for the holiday season ahead of time will become redundant. Those you bought for have either changed their interests (“1989??? I liked T-Swift when she was country!”) or simply bought the item for themselves in late November, like the dingus they are.

Gemini: May 21–June 21

You will dig out your winter boots for the newly fallen snow only to find that a pack of mice have turned them into a home. Not a rustic, appealing one from that children’s fairy tale, but a realistic, poopy mouse home. In a nutshell, you will need new boots this winter.

Cancer: June 22–July 22

You will somehow catch the common cold twice this winter. No, apparently you can’t just get it once and be set for the season. Better stock up on Vitamin C.

Leo: July 23–Aug. 22

You will get to the last few weeks of the term just to realize that you forgot to attend one of your classes for the entire semester. That’s what you get for never checking your Brock email and foolishly thinking you could ‘memorize’ your class schedule.

Virgo: Aug. 23–Sept. 22

Your Movember efforts will be so successful that everyone you know will begin identifying you specifically for the ‘stache. They’ll lovingly refer to you as Magnum P.I. and Freddie Mercury and you’ll be stuck with it, lest you give up the most notable thing about you on December 1. Way to be so unremarkable.

Scorpio: Oct. 24–Nov. 21

You will sorely embarrass yourself at the ceremony for the new Brock statue in front of the Schmon Tower. I’d tell you specifically how you screw up, but I mean, a kid could read this and I don’t really want their shattered innocence on my conscience. I’ll say this: wear the pants you have the most confidence in that day.

Libra: Sept. 23–Oct. 23

Your family will buy one of those Amazon Echo voice command computers this month and it will go exactly as every sci-fi movie would have you believe. “Hal, tell me how to spell definitely again.” -“I’m afraid I can’t do that Mark.” Why you would name it Hal is beyond me.

Sagittarius: Nov. 22–Dec. 21

Your butt won’t break the internet, but it will break your phone. What did you expect, putting your new bendy iPhone 6 in the back pocket of your tightest skinny jeans?

Capricorn: Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Although much too late, you will catch yourself singing along to your headphones at the gym. Don’t beat yourself up over it, other people do it from time to time as well. But Christmas music in mid November? Not only that, but “Back Door Santa”? You deserve the looks you’ll get from the other power lifters.

Aquarius: Jan. 20–Feb. 18

This month, a certain left-swipe on Tinder will be the straw that broke the camel’s back; or, more accurately, the denial that broke Tinder for you. It will delete your profile, lock you out and uninstall the app from your phone. Couldn’t you have swiped right, even once? Are you that eligible?

Pisces: Feb.19–Mar. 20

To put it lightly, you will throw a tantrum when you see the one per customer limit on Candy Cane Crackle at the grocery store. It’s probably unavoidable, so keep in mind that there will be children in earshot; yelling “Santa isn’t real” as an outlet for your rage could have some adverse affects this coming holiday season.

Don’t believe in horoscopes? Good. You shouldn’t.

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