Sometimes when you find love — or see someone you think is attractive on the 116 bus — you need an intimate and personal way of telling them that they’ve lit up your life. This is not that type of place; instead, The Brock Press Impersonals are a great way to declare your love to everyone on campus in a loud, impersonal way — afterall, what could be better than making a loud declaration of love for the whole student body?
Have a story you want to tell? Want to send a shoutout, a love note or just tell someone they look hot? Send in your Brock Press impersonal to firstname.lastname@example.org or tweet it to @unclassBP on Twitter. Let’s keep the love flowing, people!
To the girl in the black yoga pants in Thistle waiting outside her class:
I see you with your boyfriend all the time, but I don’t think he’s treating you like the princess you are. If you were with me I’d let you get extra cheese at Subway, and I’d always buy you a combo at McDonalds. Come live the ritz life and be with me.
-the guy with the bass pro shop hat and the deep pockets
Dear girl in front of me at the Homecoming lacrosse game,
I’m sorry my friends were such jerks to you and your friends; I hope you realize that that’s not what I’m like. I’m willing to take you out for dinner to prove it to you. By the way, you have an amazing smile.
-Mike from Vallee
This is for the guy in my Women’s Studies Class:
Since you’re the only other guy in the class, I’m assuming you’re only there to meet women but this class is all about getting in touch with our other sides, right? So can you come sit with me next class and maybe we can get to know each other? I like my men to be feminists; having that sexy man bun doesn’t hurt either.
-I sit in the back and I’m literally the only other guy in this class
To Clayton Kimberely:
Did you know red-heads were going to be extinct according to scientists? Well, I guess we have no choice then but to keep the species alive…
-Why won’t you talk to me?!
To the guy that actually had the nerve to talk to me, a total stranger, while we were waiting for the bus — that was so sweet. You even gave up your spot for me to sit. I think you’ve got a beautiful soul, and I hope we will cross bus routes again.
-The very grateful red head on the Brock Bullet
To Peter from Lowenberger,
I had a dream about you last night. I didn’t think you were an option before, but now I’m starting to change my mind. I wonder what you look like under that hoodie…
-wet dreamer from off-campus
I know you know who I am and I know you read this:
My Message in The Brock Press Unclassifieds was unsuccessful in procuring your love. Please love me. This will be my last attempt… until next week.
– Not desperate, just persistent
To my adorable little banana split
That awkward moment when you make eye contact while eating a banana. We had that moment! I knew this was my lucky day after that. Don’t be shy big boy.
– From that girl with the spikey hair in history class
Dear Badger fan with the red mohawk at the Steel Blade Classic
Thanks for spilling a whole glass of water all over my laptop. I’ve managed to dry it off, and it’s back in business, but seriously, get your life and your hairstyle together.
– From that guy in a suit at the hockey game.
I’m sorry I was so insensitive yesterday back at your place. I was wrong to judge you for your SpongeBob fetish. I am more than willing to dress up as Patrick for you.
– The girl with a strangely open mind
For the first time in my life I’m ready to experience a woman over the age of 75
– The guy with too much time on his hands
To the person who wrote this ageist claptrap
Raisins are just as good as grapes, teeth or no teeth, I suggest you take a sociology class or two to get with the modern world.
– From a grandma who still knows how to have a good time