Plain and simple, professional athletes like to party. I mean, who doesn’t? For those of you out there who like to cut loose every now and then, I’m sure you may have even ran into a couple professional athletes while you were at your favourite drinking hole.
Professional athletes are just like you and I, except they are a lot richer, more athletic, famous and probably a lot better looking. However, have you ever fantasized about what it would be like to spend a night out on the town with some of your favourite athletes? I know that I have, and as a result, I came up with a beerability all-rookie team, all-pro team and hall-of-fame team.
For those of you who are not aware of what beerability means, theScore.com defines it as “a measurement that quantifies how much fun it would be to sit at a pub with a person and drink a bunch of beer.”
First of all we should probably go over the ground rules on how these teams were assembled. In order to make the list, the athlete must be well-known in the media for his personality, or for just for his partying. The athlete must also have an established athletic resume including a championship or two because I’m sure they would have a few legendary stories to tell. Also, surprisingly the athlete doesn’t have to be a complete washed up booze-bag to make the list, but that doesn’t hurt.
All-rookie team: Johnny Manziel (Texas A&M), Tyler Seguin (Dallas Stars), Brad Marchand (Boston Bruins), Rory McIlroy (PGA Tour golfer) and Brett Lawrie (Toronto Blue Jays)
The way I broke down the all-rookie team is that the player must be 25-years-old or younger but has the party skills of a veteran. The athlete should also be a licensed partyologist, which the urban dictionary defines as: “one whom engages and partakes into the academic study of partyology. And is extremely proficient in the art of analyzing the quality of and throwing high quality parties. Also for the rookie-team, all of these athletes must be ‘bar stars’ and would much rather prefer a packed dance floor than a bar stool.
Johnny Manziel may be the youngest athlete on this team, but from pictures I’ve seen, he would definitely win the inaugural beerability rookie of the year award. His nickname “Johnny Football” is one of the best in sports and after recently signing a multi-year endorsement deal with Nike, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s glued to the floor of some club right now.
Tyler Seguin and Brad Marchand are textbook examples of the all-rookie team, which they proved after they won the Stanley Cup together in 2011. The pictures of these guys at the Cup party are outrageous and I wish I could have seen what happened in person. Also, I’m pretty sure Seguin got traded to Dallas last year because he crushed more beers than goals, so with that being said he’s a perfect addition to the all-rookie team.
The surprise picks to the all-rookie team are definitely Rory McIlroy and Brett Lawrie. Last year, the 23-year-old Northern Ireland native McIlroy signed a $200 million endorsement deal with Nike. Ireland is known for their drinking, so I’m assuming he knows how to party so that’s why he cracked the list for me. Lawrie makes the list more because of his on-field action. I’ve never seen a more energetic guy on a baseball diamond, so I would love to see if his on-field energy translated to the bar.
All-Pro Team: Rob Gronkowski (New England Patriots), Patrick Kane (Chicago Blackhawks), Paul Bissonnette (Phoenix Coyotes), John Daly (PGA Tour Golfer) and Derek Jeter (New York Yankees)
The all-pro team consists of athletes who have been professionals a little longer and are well-established partygoers. The athlete may not have to be a crazy ‘bar star’ anymore but at one point of their career they were. Also, to make the all-pro team, the athlete must be still playing and seem like someone who would be down to have a drink or two.
Rob Gronkowski and Patrick Kane make this list easily, even though they still have criteria that would consider them to the all-rookie team. Both ‘Gronk’ and Kane are under the age of 25, but it seems like they have been around forever. ‘Gronk’ makes the all-pro team because even after his team lost the Super Bowl, he was seen shirtless crushing beers. That’s all-pro dedication. Kane also makes the all-pro team because he already has two Stanley Cup rings and from the way he parties, he probably has two liver transplants too.
Paul ‘BizNasty’ Bissonnette makes the all-pro team because he seems like the perfect dude to have a beer with. His Twitter account and Instagram accounts are filled with hilarious pictures and he seems like he would be down to party at any given time, as he doesn’t get much playing time.
John Daly could easily have made the hall-of-fame team but since he is still playing golf at the tender age of 47, he makes the all-pro team. Daly has now quit drinking, but in his prime he was an avid gambler with a drinking problem, so he is a lock for the all-pro team.
Last but not least for the all-pro team is Derek Jeter. He’s lived in New York City for almost 20 years and is one of the best Yankees to ever play. Jeter has had one of the coolest lives of anyone as he’s captained the Yankees to five championships and has also dated some of the most beautiful women in the world. Jeter is the definition of a high beerability ranking as I could have a beer with him and listen to him talk forever.
Hall-of-fame team: Michael Jordan (NBA), David Wells (MLB), Eddie Belfour (NHL), Babe Ruth (MLB) and Wayne Gretzky (NHL)
The hall-of-fame team is not your average line-up. In order to make this team, the athlete must be someone who had a well-established professional career, and is someone who you could sit with in a dark pub all afternoon listening to them talk.
Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player to ever live, and that reason alone is good enough to reach the beerability hall-of-fame. However, M.J is known as an aggressive gambler and quite the partier. I think an afternoon of M.J explaining why he actually retired from the game of basketball to go play baseball would be the ultimate dream.
David Wells and Eddie Belfour make my all-pro team solely on their ability to drink. Most athletes clean up their act as they age, but not these guys. Belfour has been arrested twice for drunken events and is still in the NHL Hall-of-Fame! Belfour once offered a police officer $1 billion if they didn’t take him to prison (which obviously backfired), and with that move alone he’s a lock for the hall-of-fame. Wells makes the hall-of-fame because he threw a perfect game for the Yankees ‘half-drunk’. That is perfect criterion for the hall-of-fame and as a result I would love to buy him a beer one day.
Wayne Gretzky is in the beerability hall-of-fame because, well, he’s The Great One. Gretzky is the perfect example of someone who cracks the hall-of-fame because he has accomplished so much in their career, but at the same time he seems like someone you could just sit down and talk to for a while. Gretzky definitely has a few crazy stories and I’m sure he’d even pick up the tab.
Babe Ruth may not be alive anymore but he is the pioneer for the beerability hall-of-fame. Ruth led the Yankees to seven World Series, and he may have been drunk for all of them. Ruth is well known for his drinking (during the prohibition, which is even more impressive) and womanizing and as a result, he deserves much credit for being such a great player; on and off the field.