Aries: March 21–Apr. 19
You will mistake the joke gift you bought for a friend with the shoebox you prepared for the local holiday charity drive. While the children will surely be able to make use of the batteries in one way or another, it will be nonetheless a confusing present for them. Give a little to the Salvation Army Santa’s and try to forget about it – at least it was an anonymous donation.
Taurus: Apr. 20–May 20
You will live your nightmare of going to an exam and forgetting your pants. It won’t really be funny or enjoyable for you and it will taint the way your peers and professors think of you. That is, they’ll think of you as the person who actually came to an exam without pants.
Gemini: May 21–June 21
New Year’s Eve will be just as disappointing as it always is, because you’ll do the same thing you always do, yet expect it to be different. Have fun hitting the crowded bars in -20 weather.
Cancer: June 22–July 22
While back at home over the break, you will for the most part just eat and sleep, like a sad, little bear. Your hibernation will last in one way or another until the first day of spring.
Leo: July 23–Aug. 22
You will catch up on all your shows prematurely over the break. The free time left over in the wake of consecutive Breaking Bad, Downton Abbey and Orange Is The New Black marathons will slowly drive you insane. Invest in a Netflix subscription and keep an open mind about Battlestar Galactica.
Virgo: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
At this year’s extended family reunion, avoid the deviled eggs and potato salad your Aunt brought you. Trust me!
Scorpio: Oct. 24–Nov. 21
You will watch all the classic holiday claymation movies while downing a gallon of eggnog. You will have intense nightmares about Yukon Cornelius, and even though it wasn’t alcoholic nog, you will still wake up with a hangover.
Libra: Sept. 23–Oct. 23
You will attempt to go carolling with friends but most of them will be uncomfortable an self-conscious having to sing to strangers. So, they will have a few drinks. Unfortunately, they will end up too drunk or arrested for excessive noise. Next year, get different friends.
Sagittarius: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
While back in your childhood room over the break, your habit of sleepwalking will return. But instead of the usual wandering, you will build snowmen in your backyard. Make sure to bundle up before going to bed.
Capricorn: Dec. 22–Jan. 19
You will actually get coal in your stocking this year. Why you’ve suddenly gotten into the hipster fad of heating your apartment with a coal stove, no one knows.
Aquarius: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
You will loudly remark that Santa isn’t real while in a spirited philosophical debate with a friend in public, and break a number of children’s hearts. You’re the worst.
Pisces: Feb.19–Mar. 20
There will never be an Elf 2, and it’s probably your fault. I hate you.
Don’t believe in