The Brockoli: Dishonest student causes multiple fire alarms in Student Alumni Centre

Since the beginning of O-week, daily occupants of the Student Alumni Centre have been forced to vacate the building on a frequent basis due to fire alarms. At times happening a few days in a row, all employees, students and faculty were forced to exit the building and wait for authorities to arrive.

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On Monday, September 16, the task force assigned to investigate the series of alarms announced that they have discovered the cause; second-year general studies student Keith Sacke.

“We’ve discovered that the cause of the fire alarms was Sacke after interviewing some of his peers about their whereabouts when the alarms went off,” said Marshall Davies, chief of the task force. “We’ve suspended Sacke for now until we can ensure that nothing like this will happen again; it’s simply a matter of safety”.

The task force reported that each incident corresponded with times Sacke had met with another student in the student alumni centre. With even a little analysis, a pattern began to emerge when investigators discovered that more than half the students that had met with Sacke had suffered mild burns.

With a lead that strong, the task force took to interviewing those who had been with Sacke in the building.
“I was talking to Keith about how Ben Afleck would be the next Batman, and he was saying how he had called that, like, a year ago,” said second-year student Casey Margoe. “Then the place just went up in flames.”

Jackson Ritter, Sacke’s roommate from residence last year, was another student involved in an incident like this. According to Ritter, Sacke was describing a fight he had won the night before.
“Sacky was telling me how he round-housed a junkie with a shiv,” said Ritter. “Then, man, once the fire started, I didn’t know if we could stop it.”

Luckily, the only person to suffer truly serious burns was Sacke himself. Having had his pants combust into flames on multiple occasions, he feels he has suffered plenty for his wrong doings.

“I’m trying to not exaggerate so much anymore,” said Sacke, currently hospitalized in the burn care unit. “I mean, ‘pants on fire’? Really?”.

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