He Said, She Said – November 20, 2012

Question:

What should I do?
So crappy(srry for language) situation. 2 girls, equally HOTT says they luv me. What should I do. I have strongs feelings for one, but since I’ve known the second one(month later than first)… Well, when I met her she said I was her boyfriend.

What should I do? I know the first one better and I see her more often, but I don’t want to let the second one down.

She Said:

U’s must b really HOTT 2 then, cuz U can’t talk or type worth shiiiiiizzzzzz & it ain’t your brain they be after cuz U ain’t got 1.
Listen, I don’t know you, so it is really unfair of me to sit here making fun of you. Albeit, it’s ridiculously easy (perhaps too easy) and makes me think poorly of myself for about 0.2 seconds until I inevitably stop caring and start laughing at you all over again, but your “crappy” (s’cuse the language) situation is stupid.
This is how I see it: you met two idiots, one probably more simpleminded than the next. The first one is who you claim to have feelings for, but then the second one came along and her opening words were apparently “you’re my boyfriend”. Ah yes, nothing like an eager woman to make a guy want to kill himself. Except, you clearly take to this kind of enthusiasm, which is surprising. I scare guys when I text them, “Hey”.
Granted, your whole extra month-long history with the first one probably makes the biggest difference in the World. I mean, that was a whole 30 days (90 per cent of which you probably didn’t see one another) to bond before number two strolled in. BUT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TO DO WHEN THEY’RE BOTH AS EQUALLY HOTT? I assume the extra “T” you added on was for emphasis and not at all your inability to spell, correct? Sure.

He Said:

To begin, I’d like to thank you for the apology. I’m sure you were well intended and very apologetic for typing the word “crappy”, but I think it was poorly directed. I don’t give a shit that you used the word “crappy”; however, I’m very offended by your massacre of the English language. To borrow the words of the wise cartoon lobster Zoidberg, “you’re writing is bad, and you should feel bad!”
Onto brass tacks, what the hell is even going on with that second girl? You met her and she said you were her boyfriend? Did she have you at gunpoint? Was she on bath salts? Related, did she try to eat your face?
Bottom line is, she is crazy, you’re an idiot, and, by comparison, that first girl is too good for this whole situation. Do both of them a favor and go join a nudist colony, or a commune or something. Really, anything that separates you from modern global society will do the trick.
But seriously, reading this letter made me want to swallow one end of a length of barbed-wire, pass it and then floss myself to death (srry for hating you).

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