At a recent celebrity karaoke and hot tub party in my Appalachian Mountain retreat, a number of well-meaning guests cornered yours truly demanding to know how I put together such unnervingly accurate horoscopes each and every week. Normally I answer such inquiries with a hearty and pleasant “fuck off,” but the insistence of the partygoers coupled with a fifth of lemon gin and the promise of one of Oprah’s famous peppermint footrubs, led me to open up my study.Once I’d shown them my charts and diagrams and given them a taste of the ritualistic dance I do to properly channel the stars, they all wanted to try it. I figured that, hell, I get a paycheque either way, let’s let the rubes give it a shot. So without further ado, enjoy Dr. Phillippe Cormorant’s First Annual Celebrity Horoscopes!
Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
Lars Ulrich (Metallica drummer): The stars strongly recommend purchasing the forthcoming Metallica boxset for your listening pleasure. Just don’t upload any of the tracks to the World Wide Web or our publishing company will sue you and I’ll personally come to your house and kick your scrawny ass. And don’t be making a cassette copy to listen to in your car. That’s called “unauthorized duplication” pal, and our publishing company will sue you and I’ll personally come to your house and kick your scrawny ass. And don’t be playing our box set at parties ‘cause then all your guests will be rocking out to our music for free. Trust me, more legal action and ass-kicking will ensue.
Aries: (March 21-April 19)
Mike Harris (“Seven dead in Wal-ker-ton”): You can’t go wrong if you simply apply the principles of the Common Sense Revolution to your daily life. All you have to do is foreswear education, necessary medical treatments and accessible housing. At that point, you may want to consider moving somewhere else. Like Newfoundland.
Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
Jerry Seinfeld (not-quite-so-legendary-funnyman): So what’s with your love life anyways? I mean has anybody here ever noticed that you set yourself up for bone-crunching rejection seemingly week-in and week-out? What’s up with that?
Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
Stephen Hawking (wait for his boomin’ debut as MC Wheels of Steel): In A Brief History of Time I describe what I like to call a miniquark. In layman’s terms, it’s the smallest particle in existence, a mere fraction of a full quark, which in turn represents almost the tiniest part of an electron. In a controlled environment, it inhabits a similar theoretical space as the cat in Schroedinger’s famous experiment, i.e. it simultaneously exists and doesn’t exist. Following this logical hypothesis to its logical conclusion, it can therefore be stated that the miniquark actually exists outside the plane of time. With me so far? OK, now think of your bank account as a miniquark.
Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
Eminem (America’s Little White Sambo): Yo. I know you got a presentation this week that’ll make or break your career, but yo ditch that “third-quarter projected earnings” shit, yo. Look at them bitches in the boardroom, yo, and spit some rhymes about gang-raping them hoes. That’ll get they notice, yo!
Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
Pope John Paul II (some rich schmoe with a nice house in Italy): Resist material possessions, my child. After all, it’s easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven. ‘Sides, you don’t need a lot of money to score as much of that sweet honey booty action as possible.
Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Tom Cruise (He was cool in Risky Business, wasn’t he?): Did I say something inspiring in Cocktail like “Follow your dreams?” That’s not too gay, is it? Or maybe the “Never give up” monologue from Days of Thunder? I mean, I was a racecar driver. Pretty damned macho if you ask me. Listen, just take something nominally inspirational and ragingly hetero from any of my films (OK, forget The Vampire Lestat), and apply it to your life this week. How about “Seize the day?” Wait, that was Robin Williams. He’ll tell you I like the ladies plenty.
Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
George W. Bush (ostensible leader of the free world, though we know who wears the pants in the White House bedroom): These are most assuredly trying times, not only in your life, but indeed, throughout the entire free world. It’s important to step back and examine your relationships to those closest to you. It’s clear that your boss, your mother, and your roommate comprise what I like to call your “axis of evil”. Keep this in mind: intelligence sources say your mother is dabbling in biological weaponry. At least that’s how dad usually refers to her tuna casserole.
Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Hugh Hefner (would rule the world if he accepted the Viagra sponsorship): Face it, you’ll never have it as good as me. Give up.
Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
“Stone Cold” Steve Austin (proof that at least least some skinheads can aspire to something better than gas station attendants): When life cracks the back of your skull open with a metal folding chair, it’s important to get up, dust yourself off, and shank the sonofabitch in the locker room. Uh, metaphorically, of course.
Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
Paul McCartney (dueted with Terry Bradshaw at the Super Bowl. The former Steelers quarterback remains more attractive than Linda): This week, the stars suggest you get up, get out of bed, drag a comb across your head. And kill Yoko.
Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Dr. David Atkinson (B.U. Daddy Mack): Fiscal prudence should be first and foremost in your thoughts this week. Though you’re relatively comfortable right now, you never know when something like a stock market fluctuation, an economic downturn, or a 20 per cent tuition hike is coming down the pipes. Trust me, you’ll thank the stars’ advice when you’ve got your hard-earned degree and are managing your very own Tim Horton’s franchise.