Your weekly horoscope

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
You used to think you knew your life’s direction. Specifically, due southeast on Highway 65 ‘til you reached Pine Bluff, Arkansas. But where do you go from there? Route 15 will take you as far south as Warren, while a right turn at the intersection will take you to Prescott and allow you to merge with Interstate 30 which passes through lovely Texarkana before continuing on to Dallas. Decisions, decisions.

Scorpio: (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
They say that charity begins at home, but your Save The Whales campaign will fall considerably short of its goal despite the Beluga you have tied up in your basement.Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
As a Sagittarean, you are wise in the ways of love. However, you’re a blithering idiot when it comes to neurosurgery, which is why we strongly disapprove of your attempt to remove your lover’s benign tumour from the comfort of your sofa.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
It’s time to come off your high horse about your “special relationship with Our Saviour Jesus Christ.” Yes, you went to a movie together, and maybe He held your hand on the subway ride home, but He hasn’t called you in two weeks, and we’ve heard that He was recently spotted sharing a pizza with your friend Janet. Face it, J.C. isn’t ready to settle down yet and wants to play the field.

Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The simple fact of the matter is that everyone knows you wear a wig. Mostly because you choose to wear it around your neck like a mink stole, rather than afixing it to the top of your head.

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)
You’ve often wondered whether it was your unwavering commitment to your ethics that turned off so many of your business associates. This week you will be heartened to learn that it’s just your smell.

Aries: (March 21-April 19)
The stars base their predictions on three lines that weave their way through your life: your financial, health, and love lines. We were initially surprised to find all three intersect this week until we remembered that you’d met a special someone with a fetish for cramming foreign currency into various orifices.

Taurus: (April. 20-May 20)
You can dismiss your lover with the phrase “I’m just not in the mood,” but you’ll have far less luck this week when you try it on the judge asking you to enter your plea.

Gemini: (May 21-June 21)
You’ll feel better if you come clean to your co-workers this week. Tell them that, in fact, it’s you who’s exceeding their monthly thumbtack allotment, thereby driving your department’s productivity down a half-percentage point. Don’t you love the corporate environment?

Cancer: (June 22-July 22)
We hate to ask, but the stars could really use $50, just ‘til payday, we promise. I mean, hey, you know where to find us, right?

Leo: (July 23-Aug. 22)
You will come to an important career crossroads this week. The right decision could land you a job with a respected national newsmagazine, whereas the wrong one will see you penning ‘How To Be A Stalker’ articles for a third-rate campus paper. Choose wisely.

Virgo: (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
“Not to be taken internally” is merely a guideline, much like those serving suggestions on the back of a Stove Top stuffing box. If you truly enjoy the taste of bleach on your corn flakes, we can’t see any logical reason to stop.

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