You know you’re gonna watch it

Here at the Brock Press, we’ve had a new feature in the Culture section during the past few weeks; we’ve been seeing reviews of new movies just out on video or DVD. While this is a fantastic idea, and whoever came up with it should be rewarded with riches and praise, he or she has made a grievous omission in recent weeks by not reviewing the most important release out there. On Sept. 25, the world was finally blessed with an item that brings us miles closer to a perfect world. Beauty, finesse, tension, giving it your all, reaching your goal, triumph over adversity, spandex, glistening thighs; all the elements of a fine human drama are present, and then some, in a video that should be part of every serious collector’s video library. I am speaking, of course, of the long awaited Anna Kournikova – Basic Elements: My Complete Fitness Guide.

Where to start in reviewing such a masterpiece? Ok, direction, and cinematography. From a technical stance, the video is a masterwork. Visuals are crisp and beautiful, giving us wonder upon wonder, and just when you thought there wasn’t another possible angle in which Anna Kournikova could be filmed, grunting and sweating, then WHAM!, there’s another one. Maybe one from below and behind, or below and in front, or below and slightly to the side, or a close-up of sweat running down into her cleavage, or just of her cleavage in general. Let it never be said that this is a visually boring video.

What about content, you ask? Does it really matter? I mean, seriously. I could tell you about each segment, but all that anyone still reading this article (males) needs to know, is that she sweats by the end of each. There are various forms of general exercise, seen in hundreds of workout videos before now, but with two major differences. If you know what I mean. If I were to give one complaint about the content of this video, it would be that it didn’t contain enough jumping. Or post workout showers. Or long, languid shots of Anna’s troubles with a malfunctioning water fountain that soaks all down the front of her thin, white tank top. I guess we’ll just have to wait for the special edition DVD.

So, what did I get out of it? Well, I’m not a big workout buff, but I will say that I can feel the muscle mass building all through my hands, wrists and arms already … from the bicep curls and wrist bends that the lovely Anna demonstrates. Sickoes. I know what you were thinking…

Does Ms. Kournikova have a future in this business? Well, since she doesn’t seem to have a future in the tennis business, I suppose it’s a good thing she has something to fall back on. I mean, when was the last time she even placed in a tournament?

Final recommendations? Well, as workouts go, top notch, I imagine. I wasn’t really paying much attention; there was altogether too much rippling, glistening and undulating going on for me to follow too closely. Do I recommend purchase? Well, you’re either going to or not, and you have to admit, it’s slightly less conspicuous than going out and buying actual porn, so I say go for it.

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