Avast ye mateys

Better late than never. A warning to all of those planning on taking to the waters of Mexico alone: beware pirates! That’s right, those lovable figures of centuries past are making a comeback, already asserting themselves against the overweight, solitary sailors out there, and no doubt building their confidence for attacks on slightly more difficult targets, like dogs, or the blind. All of this fervor stems from an incident in August, where 53-year-old Bob Medd was attacked in his sailboat, his wallet and drinking water taken, and his throat cut. According to his daughter, his “double chin saved his life because it provided a wall of protection and helped stop the bleeding.” He was left for dead, while the pirates no doubt went out to spend their booty on … well, probably booty. Or booze. Or classy gold jewelry, to increase their already menacing personae.

With this increase in swashbuckler activity comes corresponding increases in related businesses. Eye-patches and correlated optometrist visits are up approximately 15 per cent; stores in Florida, Mexico and the Caribbean can’t keep frilly printed shirts, pantaloons or bandanas on the shelves, and doctors of the same region are also making a killing in the treatment of the ever increasing number of cases of scurvy. While the doctors certainly welcome the increase in business, they do advise a regular diet of fruits and vegetables in the average pirate’s diet, or at the very least, when you’re stealing someone’s wallet at saber-point, see if you can get some vitamin C supplements to go with it.

Along with this return of the scourge of the high seas, other heretofore believed defunct dangers are also choosing now to come out of the woodwork. Highwaymen, for one, are becoming more of a fixture on the main thoroughfares of North America. They are meeting with less success however, as leaping out from the bushes alongside the 401 with a musket and shouting “Stand and deliver!” seems to have less of an impact now than it did 300 years ago.

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